"Spending" Time

"The bad news is, time flies. The good news is, you're the pilot"

~Michael Altshuler

We all wish we had more time. As the old saying goes, it's our most precious commodity. But how often do we really step back and evaluate what we're trading our time for? 

A few weeks back I was in a rut. One of those cycles of long days at the office and short nights with the family. And I'd probably still be in that vicious cycle if it weren't for a bedroom chair with a bunch of sport coats hanging on it. 

Let me explain. 

Our youngest child, Augustine still sleeps in our room (our walk in closet to be exact) . On nights where I am late coming home, walking into his room to hang up my sport coat is off the table. I'm about as sneaky as a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerine plant (bonus points if you know the reference).  

So on those nights, my sport coat is relegated to the back of a chair that sit's just outside the closet so I can hang it up the next day. 

One night, after a spectacularly brutal day, I came home long after Augustine was in bed, so when I took off my coat, I headed for the chair. 

What I saw was total gut punch.

There were 3 coats layered on top of one another... and I was about to add #4. 

I was alone in my room. Frozen. 

Just staring at that chair and those damn coats. 

My conscience convicted me instantly... "You haven't laid eyes on your son in 4 days."

Then came the rationalizing...

"I have to work to provide."

"I'm sacrificing for him."

"It's only for a little longer, things are going to get better soon." 

Sure. Maybe. But you haven't laid eyes on your 1-year-old in 4 days you deadbeat.  

I hung up coat #4 and laid in bed for a few minutes while my cold dinner that I was going to eat alone at the kitchen table, grew even colder. 

I reflected on my week. 

What had really kept me at work so late? Was it the work, or my ego? My clients, or my pride? 

Then I reflected on my year. I had missed Augustine take his first steps. I missed school plays, parent-teacher conferences, dance class, pick-up / drop-offs? When I was home, or on vacation - was I even present, or was my face in my phone refreshing my email or Teams chats? How many times had I stepped away from the dinner table to take a call? All for what? In the name of 'doing a good job'?

Then the excuse... "There just isn't enough time". 

But that was BS and I knew it. I've never been a good liar, and I'm especially terrible at lying to myself. Plus, it didn't matter - I wasn't going to add more time to the day somehow, so blaming the earth's rotation speed wasn't going to do me much good. 

Then it hit me...

I'm a terrible time spender. 

I spend a decent amount of energy tracking where I spend my money. Budget for this, cut back on that, save up here, invest there. But when it comes to my time - I just waste it. Why aren't I planning and budgeting my time?!

"Lost time is never found again"

~ Benjamin Franklin

But the costs of being time poor go beyond just those moments that I've missed and will never get back.  It's cost me friends, ministries and even put strain on our marriage (luckily I have a wife with infinite patience). These are things that light up my life and give me joy. The things that make me who I am. The things that feed my soul.

"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul"

~Matthew 16:26

Since that moment, I've thought a lot about how I spend my time, and just how much of it I waste every day. (That Sunday night "screen time" reminder on your iPhone has a way of waking you up doesn't it?!).  I've started to even reflect on how I spend my time at work specifically - "Do I really need to be in that meeting?"

I haven't gotten it all figured out just yet, but I've made enough changes to get myself out of that vicious cycle. 

The work is still there, but my default is to work smarter, not just harder. I'm dodging the distractions while setting boundaries and limits for my time. I'm more mindful of Augustine's bed time for sure and I'm bringing some work home to knock out after everyone's in bed, a time I used to exchange for my nightly doom scroll ritual.

As a consequence, I'm feeling less burned out while in many cases, producing better results. I'm finding more time for the family, friends and my wife. Feeding my soul. 

I've got a long way to go for sure. Even as I write this, there is a sport coat hanging from that chair. But I've taken that moment a few weeks back as a God-wink. One of many in my life where He opens my eyes to a reality that is right in front of me, but I can't see. 

The lesson for me is that while I might not be able to slow down the sunset, I should at the very least, learn to savor it.